Daring Greatly

I recently had the amazing opportunity to travel to Costa Rica for a week's stay with a women's surf camp retreat. I had been to Costa Rica after graduating college 18yrs ago and have wanted to return ever since. I had initial reservations: I'd never been away from the boys that long, I'd never traveled that far by myself, in fact I hadn't traveled without my husband since we got married, I'd also never surfed before. But for all my fears, I had confidence in the safety of the area and my ability to speak the language, I also had a friend who would be at the camp also. I didn't want to turn down the opportunity I had been waiting for for nearly 2 decades because it was out of my comfort zone. When I voiced my concerns to my husband he supported the idea that I had to prove to myself that I could do it. It was so affirming to have someone believe in me that way. I then felt proud that I was modeling for my children being vulnerable and open to new experiences. I knew this trip would give me plenty to talk about during our grateful cheers at many dinners to come. I didn't realize the trip would help me understand how having a supportive and loving family that regularly practices gratitude can make or break the vulnerability experience. My Kindergartener picked up right away on the true risk factor involved when he asked me, "Mommy, aren't you worried that you won't have any friends?" At first I was tempted to laugh his response off as cute and childish but I realized this was an existential question that cut right to the heart of our purpose of being human: connection and love. (Yes I love any reason for a metaphor!) I panicked for a moment and then reminded myself (and him), that I can make new friends and at least I had one friend already going. I had experience that helped me belief that. He seemed relieved and said "Oh yeah, like when I didn't know anyone on the first day of school and I met Jayden and he is my best friend." I was so grateful that Clark counted that memory as one of his life lessons. Indeed we have often used it to coax him into new situations that he is reluctant and shy about. Without that one struggle he might never have found the courage to throw himself in the "arena" again. And I think that by retelling it gives him courage to make more of those memories. When we make a purpose to relive the vulnerable experiences through retelling and grateful cheers, we remember their place in the balance of life. For some reason it is easier to remember the times people have hurt or disappointed us even if they happen with less frequency than our positive experiences. But if we let those memories dictate our past we feel less sure of facing unknown situations like making a new friend or trying something challenging. And what about our little ones that just haven't had that much experience yet. Finn is stuck there right now. He keeps telling us about the harrassments of one individual (most of which happened in the past) at the expense of even remembering the other positive experiences he had that day. I've been at my wits end trying to counsel him, but the Costa Rica trip reminded me that there are only 2 things that help you move on from a bad experience. Remember & share (often) the good experiences and be courageous. I had success on my surf board because I was confident that I could learn a new skill (thanks to my recent attempts at yoga, hiking and aerial fitness) and I was courageous- at the moment before I stood up and the board wobbled, I refused to listen to the fear that said "you're gonna fall in" and said to myself (sometimes audibly), "You can do this." I've realized that with such little experience Finn sometimes needs me to be his inner voice. When he screams in frustration from the back seat, "I can never do this buckle". I confirm, it is a tricky buckle and so frustrating, but you've done it lots of times. Sometimes when you try it works and sometimes it doesn't. But you always try and that's the important part. Click! "I did it Mommy!" I've realized that making the struggles and disappointments less difficult is neither impossible nor desirable, because we won't have those stories that remind us, yeah we managed to be happy/successful anyway. I love this thought from Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly, "Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting."She encourages us to share our failures as well as your successes with our kids. Talk about the feelings and fears that you dealt with when you were their age so they can have "the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable, and creative." And above all honor their efforts to try something new, taste something new, know someone new. If you forget what this feels like, come with me to an aerial fitness class;)